Getting through last chemo

I am very happy that this is the last week (or two) that I will be at the mercy of side effects and symptoms from chemo. I don't know if it is the cumulation or the fact that getting the neulastra shot has put my white blood cell production into over-drive but since Sunday I have been pretty much hanging out and trying to fight symptoms with drugs.

Saturday I hung out with my friends, Peter, Jon and Tracy which was fun even if the food at Lauriol Plaza wasn't great. Peter (a friend from SF) hung out and even came with me to get my shot in the afternoon. Everything went fine and we even had a lovely drive out to the airport on random non-major roads that Britney (my gps) recommended. I drove home from the airport a more traditional way and while stuck in some cherry blossom traffic 0n 66 was happy to be out and about with fresh air coming through the window. I made it home and parked a little after 5 and then started when I got home started feeling really tired.

Sunday (steroid withdrawal day) was spent discovering the wonder which is instant NetFlix. I ended up watching 5 movies that were eclectic but it turned out to be a fantastic way to pass a fatigue filled day. Movies included National Treasure Book of Secrets (not as good as the first one), Jesus Camp (documentary about young evangelicals), Gone Baby Gone (Boston Crime drama - Ben Affleck directorial debut), 21 ( MIT blackjack players) and Penelope (Christina Ricci with a pig's nose) - I really enjoyed all of them but my standards may have been relaxed. Two featured Ed Harris, 2 featured the Boston/Cambridge area and all took my mind off of the fact that the idea of getting out of bed and doing something strenuous like peeing or eating took a fair amount of self talk. It actually wasn't a bad day and was made better thinking it was one of the last roller coaster ride days I'd have.

Monday was mellow in the morning - I'm toying with the idea of going on a 3 or 4 day retreat at a healing center for Cancer patients that includes some therapy, meditation and new-agey tools for dealing with Cancer. I started thinking about it after reading Kitchen Table Wisdom, which talked about week long group meetings in California at the Commonweal institute - while on the website I found that a sister program is literally around the corner from me. I stopped by with Peter on Saturday and then on Monday to pick up a form. The weekend would have some group therapy like sessions, some movement classes , vegetarian food, some massage and art therapy. It would definitely be different than my day to day life and I vary between thinking it would be really good for me and wondering if it will be too new-agey and drive me a little crazy. The three day event is in June and there is a 4 day event in July. I found the book valuable and feel like getting out of my comfort zone and examining different (emotional, psychological) aspects of this experience might be good for me.

Then Monday afternoon the bone pain/low fevers started and I've quickly become a fan of my oxycodone (yes this might be how addiction starts) as my bone pain is getting increasingly intense. I didn't really have bone pain from the Neulestra or chemo before the Taxotere but this time I seem to be achy a lot. Yesterday I came home early and ended up in bed from 3 on - and took a second oxycodone at 7:30 and spent most of the evening/night listening to the radio and sleeping and being up and down. Monday I had a restless night but it was more about weird dreams. Yesterday I was up and down a lot and then ended up either having reflux or being nauseated, not sure what was happening with my stomach. In the end in the course of last night I took the oxycodone, an ativan, a pepcid ac, a couple of tums, broke out the break-out nausea medicine from the first 4 rounds and used the magic mouthwash a couple of times. I'm pretty sure the drugs don't interact and i didn't take multiple pills but it was a little odd.

Today the bone aching has started by 11 - I had a conference call this morning that i went into the office for - and picked up some pre-Seder food that Susan and Eric gave to me despite my canceling on attending their Seder tonight. Somehow I think my bone aching evenings aren't conducive for group gathering. Canceling was probably wise as my body is aching already. I have now taken an Oxycodone in the daytime (I had only been taking it in the afternoon and evening) and am wondering about how high my white blood cell count will be - I'm hoping that the achiness won't correspond one-to-one to blood cell production or I might be in trouble with a really high number. I will know tomorrow when my morning will include an MRI to see how much shrinkage has occurred and then I'll get my blood work done.

Thanks to Susan and Eric I will get to enjoy some Seder foods if not the story of the Passover - she sent me some matzo, matzo ball soup and fish cakes. I'll add some spinach (closest thing to bitter herbs) and some cranberry juice and if feeling ambitious might even boil an egg and mix up some nut and fruit mixture. If foie gras could substitute for lamb I might even get close to a Seder dinner. I will spend some time individually contemplating how this night (and year) is different from all other nights.

I hope for those of you celebrating Passover you have a fabulous time with friends and family and we can all think about the value of freedom and contemplate those still suffering from war and oppression. With all the focus of the world on economic matters it was heartening to hear wealthier countries pledge to continue aid payments to more developing countries. I also hope we don't lose sight of the many countries where people are still suffering and living with uncertainty and instability. Of course depending on how many pills I end up taking tonight I might end up having fascinating conversations with Elijah.