The power of drugs

So due to my swapping pills (and having an incredibly mellow evening due to the 2 ativans at 4:30) taking the steroids at 10:30 has led to not much sleep. At 2:30 I started reading which hasn't been a bad way to pass much of the night. I'm reading Kitchen Table Wisdom by Rachel Remen which is a collection of stories based on her life and practice as a counselor to cancer and other sick patients and their doctors. She also has some chronic illness and went from pediatric oncologist to therapist. The book is written as a collection of 2-4 page stories many of which are thought provoking or soothing and has been especially helpful in the aftermath of my stay in the hospital and the fact that with the end of chemo I seem to be apprehensive and a little obsessive about next steps and the uncertainty concerning how my tumor has shrunk.

It has definitely gotten smaller - ideal is no evidence but I would be happy with shrinking in a consistent pattern rather than a swiss-cheese pattern - for the geeks among us I am looking for a small close compact set. I will accept whatever next steps are but apparently I am not great with uncertainty.

Besides starting to obsess about what is next, this has been a good week. My friend Debbie was in town over the weekend and we hung out and even went to brunch beyond the 2 block radius of my house. Sunday I went to see Duplicity with Dana and went to Target and dinner - a pretty full weekend especially compared to last weekend on Bles 2 (My G-town hospital ward).

This week was good - I felt mostly normal Monday and Tuesday and had no antibiotics or steroids or chemo in my body which was pretty great. Monday there was a roundtable and I even felt with it enough to participate and comment. Tuesday I even did my taxes which made me happy to do something normal and feel like I could do them and get them right. We'll see what the IRS says . Of course last year I did my taxes and ended up having them try to direct deposit my money into my closed Wells Fargo account and I had no chemically induced/health excuse besides general absent mindedness.

Despite the mainly sleepless night I feel pretty good - I think the Taxotere or Fred is a fine drug and I'm hopeful that taking the magic mouthwash will keep the thrush away and my immune system will be okay with the neustera shot on Saturday.

Thank you all for your support - I think Kitchen Table Wisdom is a good book even for those not having health issues - it was given to me by a friend who has experienced loss and has a great attitude towards living and working and is an inspiration. (Thank you Gene.)

I do think this experience has solidified some good characteristics I have and I'm hoping is making me more patient and accepting of things I can't always control. Trying to be more zen and taking things as they come and day by day isn't my natural state but I am doing it more almost by neccessity and might be a good attitude adjustment to keep.

I'm hoping you all had a more restful night even though I'd have to count this as a good night despite the lack of sleep.

Kim